Marks

In life people come and go. Passengers, travellers, searching, finding, losing, winning. Some seem to just stop by, say hello and leave again. You’d never expect them to stick around. But sometimes they do. But even the ones that only share a short part of your path with you can end up touching your life in a way you had never expected. Others make you believe that they will stay forever. Then they’re gone. Leaving behind a mark that might disappear someday. Maybe it will only fade away partially. Maybe it will stay with you forever. No matter what happens with and to it, it’s ok. These marks don’t stain your life, they simply show that you’re living it. Don’t stress over marks you cannot yet burry. Focus on the ones you never want to forget and cherish those. Cherish the people that touched your life in the best way possible – whether you expected them to do so or not. Take a second to reflect on who makes it on this list. Maybe you’ll be surprised at how long it actually is.

Thoughts about writing

I haven’t posted anything on here in months. I never post regularly because I like to write when I feel like it and when I have time. I don’t want to force or pressure myself, especially because my studies have to come first. But in the end, this blog always ends up being neglected. Sometimes for a really long time.

I just got an email notification from a fan fiction website where I once posted one or two chapters on a series I used to watch about five years ago. The email said that someone subscribed to it and reviewed it. I have no clue how they managed to come across this insignificant little story in the huge vortex of texts on this platform, but they did, and they took the time to leave me a message, which I highly appreciate.

To sum it up, the review said that the person really liked the story and that it was sad that I never finished it. They said that they subscribed in the hope that I would come back to continue what I’ve started. I was very moved by this post. I had only posted a little something and to me, it was nothing special. In addition, my English was even worse back then than it is not (so pretty horrible  :D ).

I won’t finish that story because it has been too long and I stopped watching said series a long time ago, but it just made me think about my writing. Should I force myself more? Force myself to take the time to write regularly and make conscious decisions about when to sit down and write? I always say that I write for myself, but if that is the case then why do I upload my texts? I also wonder why I haven’t felt the urge to write in a few months. Was I just too busy, or did I just feel like there was nothing to write about? Sometimes I’m scared I’ll eventually just run out of ideas all together. That’s scary because on here I usually post mostly thoughts that are on my mind, so did I get less thoughtful recently?

This also ties in with a topic that I touched on in an earlier post, which is the fact that I feel a stronger need to write when something upsets or bothers me. I have been really happy and content lately, which is great, but does this prove that I cannot write when I’m balanced? Does this mean that discontent fuels my writing? Another scary, concerning thought.

I don’t know, I guess I’ll just wait and see what happens and observe how I feel about writing. Maybe I’ll try to make some more time for it in order to sit down like now and just type down my thoughts and then go from there.

There’s not really a point to this text. Just some very open thoughts and reflections that are nowhere near to coming to a conclusion. So this text won’t have a conclusion either, but if you want to add your thoughts to the picture you’re more than welcome to.

 

All the best
Kejruna

Adulthood

“What exactly makes an adult different from a child?” asked the kid.

“Structure”, said the woman with the irregular working hours while trying to tidy her messy apartment.
“Security”, said the man who made his money at the casino.
“Reliability”, said the woman who had forgotten to show up at her date.
“Purposefulness”, said the man who was, after years and years, still searching for a job he actually liked.
“A family they could choose”, said the woman, crying, not knowing whether her partner would come back after their last fight.
“Independence”, said the man with the broken foot, waiting for his partner to help him downstairs.
“Responsibility”, said the woman blowing the smoke of her cigarette into the face of her new-born.
“Control”, said the man while the woman next to him absent-mindedly touched her black eye.
“Knowledge”, said the woman who didn’t really know who she was or who she wanted to be.

The kid continued searching, exploring, growing, finding, stepping back and stepping forth, wondering, learning, fearing, laughing, crying, being…
And so did the adults.

Kejruna

Late at Night

Being up late at night, reading a book or just listening to some music while looking at the stars is so comforting. There’s something calming about knowing that most people are asleep. It’s a peaceful silence. It is freeing because there’s no one to judge you. You don’t have to explain what you are doing and why, you don’t have to pretend, and you won’t be compared to anyone. You don’t have to live up to any expectations. Nobody has to know, and nobody cares. That’s nice. Of course it’s important to have people who care about you, but sometimes you just need to be by yourself, without having to worry about people or calm people who worry about you. Nighttime seems to be a good time for that. Just a few hours to be completely free. Sometimes bad feelings and anxiety can start haunting you in those moments of solitude, but if you manage to switch them all off it can turn into a feeling of satisfaction and contentment. Whenever I feel squished by life I try to remember that feeling and it always helps me to calm down.

Sometimes it helps to go back to simply existing before tackling everything else in our lives.

Kejruna

Discovery of two new brain sections

I have come to the conclusion that my brain is not one unified organ with one clear structure. Apart from the natural parts of a human brain, it seems to be split in two subcategories that have nothing to do with either the cerebrum and the cerebellum, nor the left and the right side of my head. I guess it’s an abstract construct… Let me introduce you to Reaso and Leahf. They are not entirely separated. Sometimes they overlap and strive in the same direction, but at times they can get into quite big arguments and seem to be unable to compromise. Reaso is my “Reaslonable society” brain. I feel like I’ve always been a quite reasonable person who tries to do the “right thing” with their life in the sense of what is considered to be right by the society I live in. This can be totally crappy because some constructs and rules society has built over the centuries are definitely due for some massive changes, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing either. Actually it has brought me to some good places, and it has definitely kept me out of trouble. It has given me things to work for. It has given me purpose. But then there’s Leahf. I apologize for pronunciation problems with that one… I guess I could have just named it Yolo, kinda goes in the same direction, but that seems a bit overused already. Anyway, Leahf is the “Live, enjoy and have fun” brain. It tries to get me to do what makes me happy and keeps me healthy, mentally and physically. It also wants me to live in the moment and enjoy the present in order to make the most out of it.

Now, I’m currently on summer break, which is supposed to be great and give you time to do fun stuff that you don’t get to do during the semester. It’s time to make room for Leahf. But of course Reaso keeps telling you that there are also papers that need to be written, so you can’t really enjoy the free time, but you don’t feel like working either… This leaves you at home, procrastinating, and doing basically any half-decent chore you can find at home to avoid real work. To give some examples, I have recently cleaned out my closet, I have started playing the ukulele, I’m working out a lot more than usually, and I even made my own almond milk and almond butter. This is all great and exciting, but in the end it means that I didn’t do much for University, which makes Reaso go absolutely crazy, and, on top of that, I end up questioning the path I have chosen for my life so far. I love having time for all the things mentioned above, and I know I won’t have it anymore when classes start again. So Leahf starts wondering whether Uni is really the right thing for me.

It’s normal to question your life. I think everyone does it, and it’s probably a good thing. Sometimes it’s good to take a step back and re-evaluate. But I find it really hard to tell whether I like something, for instance Uni, because I truly enjoy it, or because I know that it is, reasonably seen from the point of view of our striving society, a good, desirable thing. On top of that, Leahf might also be tricking me by making me like simply everything that isn’t related to work, but if I would do it more often, maybe I’d get tired of it as well. Wow, that really makes me sound like the laziest person ever… I just mean that Leahf might also be creating great utopic scenarios I think I would like, only to oppose the life plans Reaso has in store for me.

In addition, it’s just a fact that we need to work and somehow make a living to get by. I can’t change that, so I need a job, and no job will always just be fun and peachy. Nothing in life is always just fun and peachy. I don’t mean that in a negative, desperate way, it’s just a fact and we have to deal with it. So why can’t I enjoy the time off I get and then go back to work? It’s because as soon as I turn to one brain part, the other feels neglected. They both seem to suffer from bad, bad short term memory loss because when you turn one down just a little bit to make more room for the other for a while, it completely forgets that it had been the priority for the past weeks, or even months. And they don’t even get completely switched off! I also have fun at Uni, and I work during summer break, so both are always present and yet both are constantly complaining like two jealous siblings. Maybe the true aim of life is to get them to coexist in constant peace in order to satisfy both… I don’t know.

I don’t really know what the moral of this post is either. I don’t have a great final sentence with an advice on how to solve the issue other than knowing that they’ll get along again eventually because they always figure something out in the end, even if it’s just for a while.

Maybe this post is just another sign of my weirdness, but if you can somehow relate anyway, please let me know! :)

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I finally ended up writing again after a way too long break. I didn’t know whether I should put this up because it’s basically just me rambling about some weird thoughts and feelings… But then I figured why not?!

Kejruna

Lonely or Alone?

This is obviously based on a thought/phrase that was not created by me. But I like it a lot and I think there is quite some truth behind it, so I wanted to include it in a little poem.
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Sometimes people feel lonely
Although they’re not alone
And sometimes people feel lonely
Even when they’re home

Strange thing, our inner self
So special and unique
And maybe that is why
It’s never completely understood
Maybe if we were more alike
We could see what it means to others
To feel what they feel
To see what they see

Compassion and empathy
Yes, some of us have it
And surely it helps
But is it ever enough?
Is it enough to make us understand others?
To make us understand ourselves?

Maybe understanding isn’t the point
Maybe sometimes we should just be
Even if we’re alone

Because we can also be alone
Without feeling lonely.

Kejruna

How, What & Why

How do you help a person when they can’t be helped?
How do you fix a person when they can’t be fixed?
How can you be there for a person when they hide?

What to do when you know someone needs help?
What to do when they don’t let you help them?
What to do when you have no idea how to help?

Why is it that people have a hard time accepting help?
Why is it that we have a hard time acting instead of just thinking?
Why is it that in the end it’s never enough?

How come that when you’re really needed, you’re hands are bound?
How come that when it actually matters you can’t get close enough?
How come that all of the sudden you don’t know someone you used to know so well?

What if it’s not your place?
What if others could help more?
What if they need you without knowing it?

Why can’t it be clear?
Why does it always seem as if we couldn’t do anything?
Why can’t we just act, and succeed in fixing things?

Kejruna