Between work and a break

Hey there! Well, I haven’t been posting anything for a while because I was really busy, but whenever that happens, whenever I have too much work and therefore no time at all to be creative, I realise that this is not how I want to live my life. I like my studies, but work cannot and should not be the only thing in one’s life. Even if you love what you do for a living, there should be time for other things as well. Unfortunately it often seems to be quite hard to find that balance, and this is what I recently wrote about…——————————————————————————————————-

I know now, why people just keep going, just keep working.
I know now, why others can’t get anything done, are lazy, and even though they feel bad, can’t change their situation.

I couldn’t understand for the longest time. Until after a busy episode of my life I let go. I let go and relaxed. I let go and didn’t do anything for a couple of days. I enjoyed life. After that it was hard to get back to work again. To study, to be ambitious, to put what makes me happy behind stress because striving towards a goal is important, too. Because getting to this goal is supposed to make me happy in the future. Sometimes even the process of getting there makes me happy. I like my studies. But the speed of it, what working hard for a goal demands from you, what it means for the rest of your life… It means putting a lot away. For a long time. When you think you’ve done enough for a while and give yourself a break all starts again. You break down. You enjoy the first few days of freedom. Then you relax, and then, after a short time, you start worrying again. Have you taken too long of a break? Will you still be able to reach your goals now? How will you be able to get all of the work done, these huge, huge amounts of work? You have to start right away.

But where? Where do you begin? Starting to work is painful. You’re drawn to the comfortable life you had during your break, and this time it is even harder to get your ambition and your strive back. In the end, you don’t do anything at all that day. You wanted to, but you just couldn’t. Why? Maybe because you need a break, maybe because you enjoy being lazy… who knows? Who cares? The fact is that you simply couldn’t. Then eventually time pressures you, gets you to slowly start working again until you crave finishing what you’ve started and get into the extreme opposite again. You had a break. That means that you now have to work like crazy. No breaks, no time to breath, no time at all. And this keeps repeating itself over, and over. And in every working phase you keep telling yourself that it gets better, that the next break is coming. And in every break you think something is wrong, and that this can’t be it. And at the end of every break you know you should have just kept going.

With every cycle it gets worse. It gets harder to kick yourself back into working. Motivation gets better at hiding. Much better. And finding it takes so much energy that you start every working period with less strength. Hence the working part gets shorter and shorter, and the breaks longer, but less satisfying at the same time. Until you don’t do anything anymore, but can’t even enjoy that.

Now I understand why some people just keep going. They realised, that stopping makes them vulnerable to their own thoughts and weaknesses. Because stopping for just a short time is impossible. It makes you crave for more. More time to enjoy life instead of just working all the time. But out of bad conscience you cannot enjoy that free time. You waste it trying to get back to work; and you fail.

Those who put their whole life on pause, they understood that work is not everything. But they are trapped in their freedom, not able to get out, and even less able to actually feel free in it.

In the end, we’re trapped anyway, and writing this keeps me from working, and seems like a useful thing to do, but then again, it just keeps me prisoner of the laziness I cannot and do not enjoy. It keeps me stuck in the same place. But that won’t stop me from trying to break out of this vicious circle in order to find the healthy balance between satisfying work and truly enjoyable freedom during breaks.

Happy New Year and best wishes to all of you!
Kejruna

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